


Hide and Seek

by Little_oblivion



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: 5 Times, 5+1 Things, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Anorexia, College, Eating Disorders, F/F, My First AO3 Post, babys first soccer fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-26
Updated: 2019-08-26
Packaged: 2020-09-26 20:21:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20395594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Little_oblivion/pseuds/Little_oblivion
Summary: Five times Ali nearly let her need for perfection tear her and Ashlyn apart, and the one time she finally asked for help.





	Hide and Seek

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!  
I'm a longtime fanfic writer, but brand new to the NWSL fandom. This is something that kept floating around in my mind, I hope you guys like it.
> 
> (Also like I said, I'm new to soccer, so if I screwed something up majorly be kind to me please lol)

1.  
“We won, bitches!”  
Ali couldn’t stop the smile from spreading across her face as she watched Ashlyn jump up on the bench in their locker room, her arms flinging out wildly as she began to dance. “We wooooooooon!” Megan jumped up and joined her, swinging her water bottle around her head, not paying any heed to the rest of the team’s squeals as they were shot with squirts of water.  
No one in their right mind would possibly begrudge them wanting to celebrate; to put it simply, they fucking deserved it. It had been a brutal game against BYU, not helped by the fine drizzle that had begun to fall at minute 43. Every girl on their team was coated in mud, but no one seemed to care in the face of their hard-earned victory.  
Ali stripped off her own soaked jersey, tossing it into the basket someone had drug into the center of the locker room.  
“Hey, are you coming out for food?” Heather asked, searching within her locker for her towel.  
“Uh… I don’t know.” She chanced a glance over her shoulder at where Ash and Megan were now stripped down to their sports bras and playing air guitar along with the music that someone had flipped on. Of their own volition, her eyes ran hungrily over Ashlyn’s torso, not missing the way her muscles rippled as she moved. It made her remember the way she looked the night before, laid out on Ali’s bed, the noises she’d made as Ali inched her mouth towards where her boxers were peeking out-  
She forced her mind to stop in its tracks, making herself look back at Heather who gave her a knowing smirk. “I don’t… I’m not sure what I’m doing after,” she offered, clearing her throat slightly.  
“Well I think we’re all going to grab dinner, if you decide not to do something, or someone else.” She gave Ali a wink and traipsed off to the showers.  
For her part, Ali tried desperately to ignore the blush rising in her cheeks. When she and Ash had decided to make the fateful leap from just friends to dating, they had both been in agreeance on one thing: in the locker room and on the field, she was Ali. Ashlyn was Ashlyn. There was no Ali and Ashlyn. They didn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, but more importantly it helped them both play better. They didn’t want there to be any confusion as to if they were speaking to each other as teammates or girlfriends. 95% of the time it worked out wonderfully and Ali didn’t have any problem separating her girlfriend from the keeper in the goal.  
If only her girlfriend wasn’t so goddamn sexy.  
She collected her things and made her way to the showers. There would be plenty of time to celebrate that later.  
X  
As soon as they were in the jeep, they both leaned across the console for a kiss, Ashlyn’s fingers threading through her hair. “Hi,” she said softly once they both pulled back for air.  
“Hi,” Ali repeated with a grin. “We won.”  
“Hell yeah, we did!” Ash gave her another kiss, albeit one that was more chaste, before pulling back to turn the key in the ignition.  
“There were a couple times when I really wasn’t sure we would,” Ali admitted as she buckled her seatbelt.  
“But we did. Just picture tomorrow’s headline: ‘Gays Beat the Mormons, 2-1!’”  
“Ash!” She tried to give her a stern look, but it was ruined by the chuckle she couldn’t silence.  
“What? It’s the truth!”  
“Be nice,” Ali laughed.  
Ash just grinned, capturing her hand and bringing it to her lips. “I’m always nice.” She began to guide the jeep out of the parking lot. “Everyone’s going to Habanero’s, which is great because Mama needs a jumbo margarita and a taco, pronto.” She waggled her eyebrows at Ali before turning back to look at the road.  
Ali felt a weight settle in her stomach. Habanero’s was a Mexican place on the outskirts of town, one known for bartenders with a heavy hand and greasy, delicious food.  
That was the problem.  
“Eh… I don’t know. Maybe we could go somewhere else.”  
“What? And miss out on four-dollar margs? No way.”  
“We could go to that place off of Greensboro,” she suggested, trying to keep her voice cheerful.  
“The salad place? Ugh, if I’m going to eat a salad I don’t wanna pay a bunch of hippies to judge me while I do.”  
“Well we could always eat something at my apartment.”  
“No baby, we should go and hang out with everyone. We deserve this!”  
“I know, and it’s not that I don’t want to celebrate, but… I mean should we really be eating tacos?”  
“Yes.” Ashlyn’s face was completely serious.  
“Ash.”  
“Ali.” When she didn’t respond, Ashlyn kept going. “Why don’t you wanna go to Habanero’s?”  
“Because the food is so unhealthy,” Ali finally admitted. “There’s no good options, everything is just loaded with grease and fat. We’re athletes, we have to take care of our bodies.”  
“Al, we just played a collegiate soccer game. You’ve been running back and forth for ninety minutes. But even if you hadn’t, one bad meal doesn’t mean anything. Everyone deserves a cheat meal.”  
“But it’s never just a cheat meal. It starts like that, but then it’s a cheat day, which leads to a cheat week, and suddenly I’ve gained weight and I don’t have the stamina to make it up and down the pitch and I’m sitting on the bench.”  
“Woah, baby hold on-”  
“My speed is what got me my spot on the team, if I don’t have that then what’s going to happen?”  
“Ali. Pause. You’re on this team because you’re fucking talented.” Ali scoffed. “Don’t give me that. You are. You’re one of the best defenders playing college soccer. And on top of being talented, you work your ass off. That’s what got you on our team, and that’s what will get you beyond.”  
Ali took a deep breath. “It’s not that simple, Ash. I need my body in tip top shape, especially with the game against LSU coming up.”  
Ashlyn took ahold of her hand. “Well as someone who is, what shall we say, very acquainted with your body, let me assure you that you’re already in tip top shape. I mean, you’re all muscle. You look amazing.”  
Ali gave her a smile and squeezed her hand. She wanted to believe her. She wanted to cut loose and go out with the rest of the team. Believe it or not, it wasn’t fun being this uptight and control over everything in her life. She would give anything to be as flexible as Ashlyn was.  
But she wasn’t.  
“Thank you. And I love you for saying that. But can we just…” She let out a sigh. “I don’t want tacos.”  
“Okay. That’s fine. We can just go back to your place.” When Ashlyn glanced over, Ali could see that while she wasn’t mad, she was disappointed.  
“Baby, if you want… here, why don’t we swing through Chopt. I’ll grab a salad; I’ll eat it on the way to Habanero’s. That way we can still hang out with everyone.”  
“You’re just going to sit there and not eat?”  
“I’ll sit and talk to everyone, yeah.” She leaned a little closer. “And then I’ll drive us home. After all, I recall someone saying they needed a jumbo margarita.”  
Ashlyn flashed her a quick grin, but it didn’t quite reach her eyes. “Are you sure?”  
“Yeah. It’s fine.”  
“Okay. But for the record, you could eat two hundred tacos and you would still look amazing. And I would still love you.”  
“I love you too, baby.” Ali tried to ignore the nagging voice in the back of her mind, the one laughing at Ashlyn’s words. She wouldn’t still love her if she gained that much weight. No one would.  
2.  
They had just played against Duke, barely losing in the last minutes. Everyone had come back to the hotel with dampened spirits but were excited to have a little downtime before heading back to UNC in the morning. Ali had been planning to work on some homework, but when several of their teammates filed into the room she was sharing with Kelley, she knew that would be a lot to ask.  
“C’mon Kriegs, you can conjugate German on the bus tomorrow. Come play with us!” Kelley whined.  
She smiled but gave her head a slight shake. “I really need to get this done.” It was true, she had more homework than she thought was possible, but she was also trying her hardest to stay on her bed, away from the heavenly smells wafting from the Domino’s box balanced between Megan and Ashlyn. She was hungry, and it smelled delicious, but she knew it was a bad idea.  
“She just knows that I’ll beat her ass in Uno,” Heather laughed.  
Suddenly, her German textbook was tugged out of her hands.  
“Tobin…” She tried to push away her frustration as Tobin shook her head and held the book behind her back.  
“Nope! This is no time to study. We have dumb card games and a feast fit for a princess, so get your ass over here.”  
“I’m serious, I need-“  
“Need to relax! Here!” She scooped up a piece of pizza and shoved it in Ali’s face.  
Just one bite, her body begged, but she held resolute, jerking her head away from the tempting slice. “Give me back my book.”  
“Tell me the German word for pizza.”  
“I’m serious, I have a test-“  
“I’m serious, too!”  
“Alright, Tobs, ease up,” Ashlyn called from the bed, feeling distinctly uneasy about the way Ali’s eyes were hardening.  
“You need to let your hair down, all you do is study and train,” Tobin laughed, the pizza still held out in Ali’s direction.  
“Maybe if you spent more time practicing instead of sitting around eating pizza like a fat ass then you could actually score a goal and help us win.”  
The entire room seemed to freeze. Ali could barely believe the words had actually come from her mouth. But as she watched the laugh die in Tobin’s throat, her eyes widening then narrowing, she knew that she had fucked up. No one said anything for a moment. Tobin limply dropped the pizza back in the box. She turned and placed Ali’s German book on the dresser before turning to face her.  
“Y’know… just cause we call you princess, doesn’t mean you have to act like such a royal bitch all the time.” She walked out of the hotel room, the door slamming behind her. Ali could feel her teammates’ eyes trained on her but didn’t turn to look at them. She didn’t want to see the disgust and disappointment surely written on their faces.  
She forced herself out of the room, seeing Tobin disappear several doors down. She followed her quickly and knocked.  
“Tobin? Tobs, I’m sorry, I didn’t…” Didn’t what? She felt someone behind her and turned to find Christen standing behind her, her arms crossed over her chest.  
“I need into my room.”  
“Chris, I shouldn’t have… I never meant to-” She tore a hand through her hair. “I was out of line; I don’t think that-”  
“Just… move, please. I need to check on Tobin.” Ali stepped to the side and Chris pulled her keycard from her pocket.  
“I want to apologize.”  
“Tomorrow.” Christen unlocked the door and slipped inside, but not before Ali heard what sounded suspiciously like the muffled sounds of someone crying.  
She stood, staring at the door in shame. Tobin was crying and it was her fault. Of course she hadn’t meant it. Tobin was one of the best forwards she’d ever seen. She was everything you could ever want in a teammate. Today’s loss hadn’t been her fault. It wasn’t any one person’s.  
Except maybe hers.  
“Ali.” She hadn’t thought her stomach could drop any lower but hearing the note of disappointment in Ashlyn’s voice made her feel even shittier than she already did. She slowly turned to face her girlfriend.  
Ashlyn was staring at her as if she didn’t recognize her. Her usually open and friendly face was drawn, serious. “What the hell, Al?” She had never heard Ali speak to anyone like that, especially when everyone was just trying to have a good time.  
“I don’t… it just came out.”  
“That’s a shit excuse.”  
Ali swallowed hard, looking to the side to avoid her hard stare. “I know. I just… I want to apologize, but she won’t come to the door, she won’t talk to me.”  
“I wouldn’t either.”  
“Ash.” Ali dropped her head, staring at her shoes.  
“What’s going on with you?”  
She couldn’t tell her the truth. That she was hungry, and her head hurt, and she wanted the pizza so fucking bad that she had snapped at Tobin because her body was trying to protect itself. Ashlyn wouldn’t understand.  
“I’m fine.”  
“It doesn’t seem like it.”  
“I’m just PMSing.” It was a lie, and when she met Ashlyn’s eyes, she could see that she didn’t believe her. “I’m cranky and emotional and mad about today’s loss. I didn’t mean to snap at Tobs, it just came out. I didn’t mean it.”  
Ash sighed and reached out for her hand. “It was a fucked-up thing to say.”  
“I know.”  
“C’mon. Just leave her alone for tonight, let Chris handle it. Let’s go back and eat some pizza. Everyone will be in a better place in the morning.”  
“I don’t want pizza.”  
Ash raised an eyebrow. “Why not?”  
“I’m not hungry.” Ali raised her chin, trying to convince both of them that she was telling the truth, but failing.  
“Al,” Ashlyn couldn’t silence her frustrated groan. “It’s just pizza. It’s not that big of a deal. You can’t possibly be full from the protein shake you had after the game.”  
“I had a power bar, too.”  
“Ali, stop!”  
“What?”  
“Stop this… ugh! You can have a piece of pizza. It’s not the end of the world. Every bite that you eat doesn’t have to be super healthy.”  
“You don’t understand.” The words left her lips before she had a chance to stop them.  
“You’re 100% right. I don’t understand.”  
“I’m not like you, okay? I can’t eat whatever the fuck I want and not pay attention. I wish I could, but that’s not how my body works.” Shame weighed heavy in her stomach as she finally voiced what had been spinning around her head for months. Everyone else can eat normally and they look fine. Something is wrong with you.  
Ashlyn looked at her in shock. “Uh… that’s wrong? I definitely pay attention to what I eat, Al. As much as I would love to, I can’t eat candy every day. But I also know that obsessing over every single bite I take isn’t healthy, and it won’t do me any favors on the field. You have to find balance.”  
I know! Ali wanted to scream. Because somewhere deep inside of her, she did know. She knew that she was too uptight about it. But this was just how she was made. She wanted to be the best, so she had to try a little harder than everyone else. Whether that meant staying up studying after her roommates had gone to bed, or putting in extra conditioning laps, or yeah, micromanaging her diet to make sure her body was at peak condition, she had to do whatever was necessary to be the best.  
To be perfect.  
“I just… I’m tired. I’m in a bad mood. And I’m really not hungry. I just want to go to bed.”  
Ashlyn pulled her in for a hug. “You know you can talk to me about anything, right?” she whispered into Ali’s hair.  
She nodded, tears suddenly rushing at her eyes. “I know.”  
3.  
Ashlyn’s heart was high in her chest as she watched Ali dart forward to take her shot. It had been a great game, and they were leading over Miami. As Ali went to take the shot, Ashlyn wondered if they were about to pull even further ahead.  
But everyone seemed to move in slow motion as Leonela Mojica slid towards her. Ashlyn knew what was coming a split second before it happened, but there was nothing she could do as the other girl’s foot hit squarely into Ali’s plant leg.  
It probably looked worse than it was, she tried to convince herself. But when she saw Heather rush to her side, her hand over her mouth, then turn to wave over the trainers, she felt like she would be sick.  
By the time she got to Ali, she was banging her fist into the ground, her face screwed up against the pain. She wanted nothing more than to drop to her knees beside her, to take her in her arms and promise that everything was okay, that she was going to be fine, that it wasn’t serious. But, she reminded herself, Ali wasn’t her girlfriend right now. And more pressingly, she thought as she watched the board be hurried onto the field, that might not be the truth.  
X  
The MRI confirmed everyone’s worst fear: a torn ACL and MCL. Ali had listened as the doctor detailed the ways she could rehab her knee to come back even stronger than before, but she couldn’t shake the voice reverberating through her mind that she had failed. Her dreams of playing professional soccer were gone.  
It had been six weeks since the tear, and a month since she had been wheeled into surgery, both of her parents looking down at her with the worry barely concealed on their faces. It had been exhausting coming back, still attending practice, watching her friends and teammates work towards their goals as she sat on her ass on the bench.  
Sitting was something she did a lot of now, and her body was reflecting it. Where she’d had long, lean muscle, she was now beginning to feel softness. Some part of her knew that was ridiculous; it wasn’t possible to lose muscle mass that fast. But either way, every time she looked in the mirror she saw herself getting further and further from the person she wanted to be.  
Ashlyn carried her things from her jeep to Ali’s apartment, watching silently as she battled it out on her crutches. By the time she made it to her bedroom, she was exhausted.  
She awkwardly shimmied her shorts off, not bothering to pull anything else back on. She switched out her top for a sleep shirt, then eased herself onto the bed. Ashlyn was there to take the crutches, leaning them where she could grab them in the morning, then helped arrange her blankets over her. Ali knew she could ask her either of her roommates to help her, but she didn’t want them to see just how pathetic she was at the moment. It was bad enough that Ashlyn knew.  
Ash leaned over her and kissed her forehead. “I’ll see you at practice in the morning?”  
Ali nodded and Ashlyn started to stand up. “Wait.” Ashlyn froze. “Do you wanna… wanna stay over?”  
“Miss Krieger are you propositioning me?” Ashlyn asked with a scandalous gasp.  
She rolled her eyes with a grin. “Sure am. This is how I get all the girls. Flat on my back.”  
“I mean, I’m not complaining.” She gave her a cheeky grin as she walked closer. “I do some of my best work when you’re flat on your back.”  
Ali laughed and Ashlyn gently made her way beneath the covers, being careful not to jostle Ali’s leg too much. Ali flicked off the lamp and plunged the two of them into near darkness.  
Ash found her lips, their kiss starting off slow and sweet but slowly building. They hadn’t been physical since before Ali’s injury; she had been too focused on her surgery and recovery. She threaded her hands through her short, blonde hair, pulling her closer. One of Ash’s hands found its way beneath her sleep top, caressing her stomach.  
“So soft,” she murmured against Ali’s lips.  
Ali froze. Soft. That’s exactly what she was, every day her muscle was melting away and being replaced by fat. It wouldn’t be very long before Ashlyn realized what she was becoming and found someone else, someone in better shape, someone thinner-  
“Babe?” Ashlyn pulled back. “Are you okay?”  
She had probably already noticed the changes to Ali’s body. What if she was just as disgusted by her body as Aly was? She couldn’t break up with her, not while she was out with an injury. She was probably staying with Ali out of some warped sense of pity. How long would it be before she couldn’t keep up the game anymore and finally left?  
“Ali, what’s wrong?” She hadn’t realized she was crying until Ashlyn wiped at her cheeks.  
“Nothing,” she gasped, trying to push down the sob caught in her throat.  
“Is it your knee? Is it hurting? I can grab your pain pills if you want.” She started to climb out of bed, but Ali grabbed at her shirt.  
“I don’t need them.”  
“Ali if you’re hurting then we should do something about it.”  
Ali shook her head. She didn’t know of any pill that would cure the ache in her chest. “It’s fine. I think… I just need sleep.”  
“Okay…” Ashlyn watched her for a few moments. “Do you still want me to stay?”  
“If you want.” Ali awkwardly shuffled onto her side.  
Ashlyn was silent for several moments, then eventually made her way behind Ali, her arm resting over Ali’s side as she spooned her. The position usually made Ali feel safe and loved, but tonight she had to squeeze her eyes against more tears as she imagined how disgusting she must feel in Ashlyn’s arms.  
4.  
Her knee was getting stronger. True, she wasn’t sprinting up and down the pitch yet, but she was starting to feel hopeful. Maybe next week she would be able to truly rejoin practice. Maybe next month she would get to sub in for a game.  
But when would she finally start to feel like she was good enough?  
It had been a good day. It was an off week, so she and Ashlyn had spent the morning at their favorite coffee shop, talking and holding hands. They’d followed it up with a few hours of homework, then lunch, and now Ashlyn was making her laugh, doing impressions of their teammates and coaches.  
“Alright, your turn.”  
“Me?” Ali giggled. “I’m no good at impressions.”  
“C’mon, give it your best shot.” Ashlyn pulled Ali to her feet and plopped on the couch, staring at her expectantly.  
“Umm… ‘I’m Jill Ellis.’” She tried, planting her hands on her hips. Ashlyn snorted with laughter.  
“That’s so bad.”  
“I told you!”  
“It’s a good thing your cute.”  
“It’s not very nice to bully someone into something then make fun of them,” Ali said with a fake pout.  
Ashlyn grinned as she came to her feet. “Aw I’m sorry baby, let me make it up to you.”  
“Nope. Don’t want.”  
“What?!”  
Ali tried to suppress her grin. “Nope. Your apologies mean nothing to me.”  
“Baaaaabe,” Ashlyn dragged the word out as she reached for her girlfriend, but Ali pulled away.  
“No way. If you want this, you gotta earn it,”  
Ashlyn’s lips quirked. “Oh, I’ll earn it all right.” Ali saw the intention in her eyes and started moving just before she did. Ashlyn chased her around the living room, both of them taking it easy in order to not strain Ali’s knee.  
Ali planted herself behind the armchair. “Do you always pick on cripples?”  
“Only when they’re as sexy as you.”  
Ali tried to dart past her, but right as she passed the sofa, a wave of nausea washed over her and she staggered to a stop. Her eyes seemed to cloud over, a field of black slowly zeroing through her vision until she could hear what was happening around her, but not see anything. She grasped onto the back of the couch, as if it would help tether her to the earth.  
“Babe? Ali?” Hands grasped at her elbows, but she couldn’t answer. This had been happening more and more. One minute she was fine, then the next minute she was effectively blind, lost in the in between.  
“Ali, talk to me.” Ashlyn’s voice was insistent in her ear.  
“I… I’m fine,” she gasped weakly. As her vision began to clear, Ashlyn guided her into a chair, crouching in front of her. Her hazel eyes peered up at her, obviously concerned.  
“You don’t seem fine.”  
“I’m just tired.” That wasn’t a lie. Now that her vision was back to normal, exhaustion flooded her body. She just wanted to crawl into bed and sleep for the next ten years.  
Ashlyn pressed a hand to her forehead. “Maybe we should go to the campus clinic.”  
“No, I don’t-“  
“You’re shaking.” She hadn’t realized it, but when Ashlyn grabbed her hands, she realized she was right. “And your fingers are cold as ice.” She began to lightly rub them.  
“It’s fine, I swear. Just, just give me a second. I just need to let it pass.”  
Ash didn’t respond right away, and when Ali finally met her eyes, she was surprised at the anger she found.  
“This has happened before?”  
“Ash…”  
“It has, hasn’t it?”  
“It’s not that big of a deal.”  
“That’s bullshit, Ali!” She came to her feet. “You almost passed out just now. That’s the definition of a big deal, and you… you…” Her face twisted.  
“What?”  
She pursed her lips as she seemed to consider her words. “You don’t even care. This is your body Ali. You say that you want to play professional soccer-”  
“I do!” Ali cut in hotly.  
“Apparently you don’t! Because you’re refusing to take care of your body!”  
“You don’t know what I’m doing.”  
Ashlyn sighed heavily. “Oh, I don’t?” She met Ali’s eyes. “I’m not an idiot. I have eyes.” She took a step closer, reaching out for Ali’s hand. “I’m worried about you, Kriegs. As your teammate, as your friend, and most of all as your girlfriend who loves you more than you can possibly know, I’m worried.”  
Ali refused to look up from their joined hands. “You really don’t need to worry about me, babe. Everything is fine. Really, I… I feel fine. I just got a little lightheaded.”  
“If you… if it’s not as a result of something you’re doing… if you really don’t know why you’re light headed and dizzy and losing weight,” Ali closed her eyes at the words, she really hadn’t lost that much, not when she thought about how much more she needed to lose before her body was something she could be proud of, “then you need to go to the doctor, because it’s not normal. But you do know, don’t you?”  
Ali cleared her throat and pulled back her hand. “I think… I’m going to take a nap. I probably just overdid it today, I’m tired. You should probably head back to the dorms.”  
“Ali.” She glanced up at Ash and immediately regretted it. The look of pain and concern scrawled across her features felt like it would rip her in two. “Please. Talk to me.”  
And tell you what? That no matter what I do, I’m worried I’ll never quite measure up, never be good enough? Ashlyn couldn’t possibly understand the horrible thoughts that wrapped through Ali’s mind on a daily basis. “I’m tired,” she repeated quietly.  
“Okay.” Ashlyn grabbed her backpack from the floor and hoisted it over her shoulder before walking over to where Ali was sitting. She leaned over and pecked her softly on the lips. “I love you.”  
“I love you, too.”  
“Text me, okay?” Ali nodded and Ashlyn let herself out of the apartment. She slowly stood up from the chair and padded into her bedroom, shutting the door. Hidden beneath the blankets, she tried to let her mind stay blank and not think.  
She knew Ashlyn was right.  
Of course she did.  
But she just wanted control over one thing in her life. She wanted to be the best. She wanted to be perfect. And until she was able to fully return to the field, this is how she would do it.  
She heard Heather and Crystal come back to the apartment, both of them laughing, surely with bags of McDonalds clutched in their hands. Heather came and gently knocked on her door, calling her name, but she didn’t answer.  
She just wanted to hide until she could figure out how to face what her life had become.  
5.  
She could tell that Ashlyn was still frustrated with her. It had been a few weeks since the day she nearly passed out, and while she hadn’t said anything about it, she could feel her eyes on her anytime they were together and food was mentioned. It had gotten to the point where she was avoiding spending time with her.  
Gone were the study sessions where they would set up shop at Ali’s apartment and take random gummy worm and dance breaks. Gone were the movie nights, cuddled together in one of their beds. Gone were the breakfasts, the lunches, the dinners, the midnight snacks.  
But Ashlyn had been insistent that they meet up with some of the other girls for coffee today. She said they all wanted to discuss what to buy as presents for the graduating seniors. She took her hand as they walked through the coffee shop. Today would be a good day. She’d purposefully done extra at the gym earlier today to account for the coffee-  
“SURPRISE!” She jumped backwards. All of their teammates were packed into the back room, smiling like idiots with paper hats and noise blowers.  
“What?”  
“Happy birthday!” Crystal yelled, and everyone began to cheer again.  
“But… my birthday isn’t for like three months!”  
Ashlyn wrapped her arms around her. “I know, but your birthday is in the summer when everyone is gone, and this way I was able to catch you off guard.” She pressed a kiss to her cheek. “Happy three-month-early birthday, Ali.”  
“Thank you.” She turned and caught Ashlyn’s lips for a kiss, earning a few whistles.  
“Here!” Allie danced forward and put a paper crown on her, then turned around to everyone else and lifted her hands. “1, 2, 3!”  
The girls began to sing and Ali was slowly led into the middle of the room. As the girls moved, she was greeted with a chocolate birthday cake, complete with candles, sprinkles, and her name written messily on the icing.  
“-happy birthday, dear Ali, happy birthday to you!”  
“Blow out the candles!”  
“Make a wish!”  
She leaned forward and did as she was told, closing her eyes. I wish everything would just go back to normal. She blew out the flame and everyone cheered. Crystal cut a huge slice.  
“Hurry, gimme the plate!” Megan barely slid it over in time. “Alright, birthday girl, this is all for you! And I made it myself, so I expect a clean plate,” she said with a wink.  
The plate was pressed into her hands and she stared down at it, slightly dazed. She honestly couldn’t even remember the last time she’d had cake. The sugary aroma assaulted her nose, making her mouth water and her stomach tense.  
“You made this?” she asked weakly.  
“I did the icing!” Christen volunteered as she swiped some from the next slice handed out.  
“It looks great.” Ali stared down at the slice. How could she possibly avoid eating this?  
“Babe?” Ashlyn’s voice was quiet in her ear, and she turned her head slightly.  
“Yeah?”  
“You okay?”  
She made herself nod furiously, forcing what she hoped was a bright smile to her face as she glanced back at Ashlyn. “I’m fine!” She cleared her throat. “I’m gonna go grab a coffee first.” She placed the cake on the table and quickly walked towards the front.  
“Ali wait.” When she realized Ashlyn was following her, she kept walking instead of getting in line. Her hand closed around her wrist as she got outside. “What are you doing?”  
She turned to face her but didn’t know what to say. “I just… I need a sec. I thought we were getting coffee. I didn’t… plan for this.”  
“That’s generally how surprise parties work.” Ashlyn quirked her lips, making her dimple deepen, but Ali could see in her eyes that she was deadly serious.  
“I know. And thank you, thank you so much for this, for getting all of the girls together, I’m so grateful, but-”  
“But what?”  
Something strangely like panic began to flutter through Ali’s body. “I just wasn’t prepared!” she snapped.  
“Prepared for what?” Ashlyn’s voice rose to match hers.  
“This! Any of it!”  
“What is your issue? I tried to do something sweet for your birthday and you’re acting like I committed a crime!”  
“I just like to be prepared, and you know that about me!” Every fiber of Ali’s being knew she was being ridiculous, but she couldn’t possibly tell Ashlyn that she was upset because of the cake. Because she knew she was being hysterical, but that did nothing to silence the loud voice in her head telling her that eating even a bite would derail her plans even farther.  
But it turns out she didn’t need to.  
“Ali… fuck. Goddamn it!”  
“What?”  
“It’s just a piece of cake.”  
“Oh, fuck off,” she scoffed, even as body tightened in shame.  
“That’s what it is, isn’t it? You won’t eat the cake Crystal made for you. Because you’re so… so caught up in this…”  
“This what?”  
“This bizarre need for perfection and control. You’re already too fucking skinny! Is that what you want to hear? Every time I touch you it feels like your bones are going to rip through your skin. But of course, that’s only when you let me touch you, when you’re not avoiding me.”  
“I’m not-”  
“What do I have to do to make you realize that you’re enough? I mean… god, where did I fuck up along the way as your girlfriend that you can’t see that?”  
“This isn’t about you!”  
Ashlyn’s eyes hardened. “Of course not. Why would it ever possibly be about me? It’s always about you. It always has been! You’re so caught up in beating yourself up that you don’t pay attention to what’s happening to anyone else.”  
“Well if I’m that fucking awful to be with, then maybe we just shouldn’t be together anymore,” Ali spat without thinking.  
“Maybe you’re right,” Ash retorted. The two of them froze for a moment, realizing what they had said. “Do you not want to be with me?” Ashlyn finally whispered.  
“Of course I do. I love you.”  
“…Do you love me enough to stop this? To get help? Because… fuck I love you so much Ali. But until you can learn to love you… I don’t know where the hell that puts us.”  
“You’re breaking up with me?” Ali hated the way her voice cracked.  
“I guess I am.” Ashlyn took a step back, and Ali could see that she was fighting tears, her chest already heaving with the effort, her mouth twisting. “Yeah. I guess I really am.” Ash turned and began to walk down the sidewalk, pulling her keys out of her pocket  
“Ash. Ashlyn wait!” But she didn’t stop.  
Ali slowly turned around and was greeted by Heather and Kelley, both of them staring at her in shock. She raised her shoulders slightly, as if to ask what she was supposed to do now, then the tears hit. Heather was there in an instant, wrapping her in her arms as she began to sob. Ali could half hear her asking Kelley to go get Crystal, that they needed to take her home, but everything else was incomprehensible past the sound of her heart breaking.

1.  
The rest of the school year ticked away, and everyone tried to act like the ill-fated surprise party hadn’t happened. Ali didn’t know exactly what Kelley had told everyone when she went back inside, but they all seemed to have at least a vague idea of what had happened.  
She still had to see Ashlyn every day, obviously. They communicated as needed on the field, but apart from that tried to stay out of each other’s way. Every morning when she woke up, Ali still instinctively picked up her phone to shoot Ashlyn a good morning text. But then she would remember, the awful words echoing through her head, and shove her phone back underneath her pillow.  
She missed her so much it was hard to breath.  
But life had to go on. She had practice to attend, tests to study for, rehab exercises to complete, and weight to lose. That was actually the only upside to she and Ashlyn breaking up; she now spent almost all of her free time locked in her bedroom, away from tempting foods. She had plateaued for a bit, so she had further restricted her intake. Again, the little voice tried to shout that it was too little, that she couldn’t possibly survive on only 600 calories, but it was all but drowned out by the thrill of the number on the scale slowly dropping down.  
She’d planned on staying in her room again today, but Kelley had pleaded with her to come to the mall. She insisted that she needed new summer clothes and that she needed Ali’s advice on picking them out. So she had reluctantly gotten ready and driven to the dorms to pick Kelley up and take her to the mall.  
Kelley was chattering away in the passenger seat as they sat at a red light, and Ali began to feel a little seed of happiness. Perhaps coming out of her room was a good idea after all.  
“-then we all decided to go to Starkey’s, but the bouncer wouldn’t let me in because I’m only nineteen, and then Ashlyn-” she cut off suddenly, glancing over at Ali guiltily. “Sorry.”  
Ali sighed, pulling her hand through her hair. “It’s fine. I mean, it’s not like I want you to stop hanging out with her or anything.”  
“Yeah. I just feel bad. How uh… how are you doing?”  
The car in front of her began to go and Ali picked her foot up off the brake. “I’m fine.”  
“Okay, but… how are you really? I mean I know we didn’t hear the whole thing, but it sounded rough. And don’t tell her I said this, but she’s not doing well either.”  
Ali’s heart ached at the thought of causing Ashlyn pain, but then reminded herself that Ash had dumped her, not the other way around.  
“It’s just for the best.”  
“Do you really feel that way?”  
“Look Kel, I love her but if she doesn’t want to be with me, I can’t change that, okay?”  
“I know, I’m just saying. I’m worried about you. You can talk to me, any time. The light’s turning red. Ali. Ali!”  
But while Kelley had been talking, the all too familiar darkness had been cutting through Ali’s vision. Except this time, it wasn’t just her eyes, it was her whole body. She vaguely noticed the car in front of them stop but she couldn’t make her foot move to the brake. Instead, her car plowed into the car in front of them with a deafening crash of metal on metal.  
Ali was okay, and so was Kelley. Their seatbelts and airbags had saved them from the worst of the impact, including when the car behind them rear ended them. It seemed like moments later ambulances had arrived. She felt as if she was in a daze as she and Kelley were gingerly removed from the car. The paramedics kept asking her questions and she tried to answer them, but she was just so exhausted.  
“What happened? Were you not paying attention?”  
“No, I was, I just… it happened so fast. I couldn’t move my foot, and I couldn’t see.” As soon as the words left her mouth, she regretted them. To a medical professional they would sound a thousand times worse than they actually were. Sure enough, she was put into the ambulance to be taken in for more testing, Kelley getting to come along.  
Once at the hospital, they began to run all sorts of tests, wanting to make sure she wasn’t experiencing any sort of head trauma. She felt so very alone, and all at once too small. How funny it was, to spend months obsessed with whittling down her body, but at this moment she felt as if she was in danger of being wiped away.  
The nurse wheeled her back to the emergency room bay where Kelley was waiting. As she locked the wheels in place, she gave her a soft smile and wiped at the tears that had rolled down Ali’s cheeks. “It’s gonna be okay, sweetheart. As soon as your tests come back, we can get this figured out and treat whatever it is. The not knowing is the worst part.”  
She left the room, but Ali wanted to scream after her. She was wrong. The not knowing wasn’t the worst part, because Ali knew why she had passed out in the car. She knew exactly what had caused this. She sniffed and looked over at Kelley.  
“Are you okay?”  
“Yeah, dude. I’m fine, I promise. I have a little cut on my arm,” she pulled up her sleeve to show her a small white bandage, “but they’ve already patched it up. Plus, they said I might luck out and have a super tough looking scar. Y’know, to impress the ladies.” She waggled her eyebrows, and Ali was able to give her a ghost of a smile before the guilt threatened to swallow her whole.  
“What if you would have gotten hurt? I never would have been able to forgive myself.”  
“Kriegs, I’m fine. Honest! Scout’s honor. I’m honestly way more worried about you. I mean you were fine, and then all of a sudden you were passed the hell out. It was scary. And in the ambulance, they kept talking about different causes… brain tumors and strokes and stuff, I don’t think they thought I was listening, but… I was.”  
Ali shook her head slightly. “No, it’s… nothing like that.”  
“Then what?”  
“Ali?”  
Her stomach flip flopped at the familiar voice. Sure enough, there she was. Her blonde hair was pulled up in a bun, and she was dressed for the gym, but her face was all concern and panic.  
“Ash.” She immediately started crying and held out a hand. She walked forward and took it, kissing her knuckles then smoothing her hair back from her face. “How did you know I was here?”  
Kelley cleared her throat slightly. “I… was sitting here waiting for you, and they asked me to contact any family you had nearby. And I know that you guys… It just felt right.”  
Ali looked deep into Ashlyn’s eyes. “I am so glad to see you.”  
“What happened?”  
“I’m sorry. You were right, I just… I just…” Ali began to cry harder. Kelley stood up.  
“I’ll give you guys a minute. Also, Ali… I called Coach Ellis. She’s on her way.” Ali nodded and she left the curtained off bay.  
“I’m sorry,” Ali repeated.  
“No, I’m sorry, I was just so…”  
“I know. I do. It’s not as if I don’t know… that it’s crazy. And part of me wants to stop. But I’m also scared.”  
“Can it be any scarier than this? Being in the emergency room because you totaled your car? What if you had gotten seriously hurt?”  
Ali began to cry harder and Ashlyn wrapped her in her arms. “I know. I know.”  
“I don’t know what I would do if I lost you,” she breathed.  
“I’m sorry, I know I have to change, I know-”  
“Miss Krieger? You have someone here to see you.” Ali pulled back from Ashlyn’s shoulder to see Jill Ellis standing next to the nurse.  
“Ali, I got here as soon as I could.” She came to stand on the other side of Ali’s bed. “Are you okay? Kelley said there was an accident.”  
“Knock, knock.” Ali looked away from her coach to find her doctor standing at the end of the curtain. “I have some good news. We got back your MRI and your CT, and they’re both clean.” Ali felt Jill breath a sigh of relief. “But your blood pressure is alarmingly low, as is your heart rate. That’s what probably caused you to pass out, if we can figure out the cause, we can make sure this doesn’t happen again. You said that you’ve never had any endocrine issues?”  
“No, um I haven’t.” She licked her lips, her mouth suddenly parched. “I think… I know what caused it actually.”  
The doctor looked at her in surprise. “You do?”  
She looked at Ashlyn, who gave her a nod of encouragement, then glanced up at Jill. She looked back at Ash, gripping her hands a little tighter for strength then turned to the doctor.  
“I need help.”


End file.
